my dream was shattered by someone who called themselves as educators

I always knew since I was a little girl I wanted to be a performer...
Anything from singing, dancing, acting and even miming...
I wanted to do it all...
I’m always psyched for any school performance...
I was mushroom number 1, a pussycat, and a princess...

So basically every year in school we have this thing called 'school play'...
Only Junior 4 till Junior 6 are allowed to audition for lead roles...

I can't audition when I’m in Junior 4 because my estranged atuk just passed away...
I was in Kelantan when that audition happens...
so I said to myself, "It's okay, there's always next year. No biggie."

A year after that, I auditioned again. Again, my luck surpasses me. i didn't get that part. But it’s okay. I'm not that keen and I was playing around during audition. I couldn't stop giggling and keep forgetting my lines... so it’s all good... I’m still in the play though... not the lead role but STILL..

So Junior 6. My final year. Audition day: mentally prepared and keep saying to myself over and over again "Don't giggle." The play is "Around the World in 80 Days." I was set to audition to play as Princess Aouda. I put my heart and soul doing the scenes (one of the acts i actually shed tears, amazing, right? i can cry on cue. Haha.. perasan diri ini talented sekejap..) and i got a call back later that day. I was really excited because it seems that for Princess Aouda's role, I’m like the only one who got a call back. And then enters...

AMEERA AIDA.

She didn't even go for the audition. So I was thinking to myself “Why is she here at the callback?". And then I found out I have to compete with her for that part. I was like "Okay... that’s not fair... but whatever. I’m sure the teachers will judge us fairly." so I started acted doing my 2 scenes and Ameera just read lines (actually she just read three words!!) while sitting in the chair. Ahh... I’ve bag the role...

so wake up the next morning with the big smile on my face. In the bus on the way to school, everybody crowded me to say job well done during the audition or "U sooo gonna get that part!!!” I answered with the big grin "Takdela. Tak tahu lagi."

Okay, mase assembly, the moment I’ve been waiting for, they're going to announce the names that made the cut for the play. So I was holding Jenny's hand, and anxiously waiting for my name to be called but....

NOTHING.

My name was not called. FROZEN. I just stood there. Jenny had to usher me back to class. And then I found out that Ameera got my part. I went to my locker and started to cry. But hey I’m a fighter; I’m not letting this go. With all the guts and courage that I have, I went to confront Ms Barbara, Ms Badariah and Ms Maznah. Before I opened the teacher's lounge door, I heard conversations that would change my life forever.

Ms Maznah: Why Erin didn't get the part?
Ms Barbara: She's not pretty enough or skinny enough.
Ms Maznah: Why is it matter? She can act. And she understands her character.
Ms Badariah: Nobody cares about that. They're only 12. Besides Ameera is somebody's daughter.
Ms Maznah: So what? How’s that fair?

I couldn't bear myself to hear that conversations anymore. Even though I’m thankful that somebody still fights for me, but those other two are teachers. They’re supposed to be a guide, a mentor, a confident, a friend, a disciplinarian, an informer, a provider of inspiration and imagination.

I lost myself that day. I’m scared to perform on stage. I’m 22 now and I’m still scared silly… even though it’s been 10 years ago... I want to be my 12yearold-self again… Confident, carefree and most importantly HAPPY. I love performing but …